I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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