Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
