im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
