dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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