My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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