Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
