dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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