I cannot find my penis.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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