tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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