I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
