sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
