Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
