If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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