What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
