call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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