i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
