i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I party with great urgency now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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