I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
