Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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