I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize