The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize