Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
