I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
