So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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