I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
