No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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