nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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