what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
