I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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