I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I could make wine with my vomit
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
