I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The Olympian is in my bed
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
