i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't think brook has ever known best
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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