Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
