I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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