My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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