I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
