i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize