drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
