yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
