How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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