Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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