When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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