What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My vagina is officially offended.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
