Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
