As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize