He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
