I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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