I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
