I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
