Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
