You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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