just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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