why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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