I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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