oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
