Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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