So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
