She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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