Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
