I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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